Having doubts is a normal, and healthy, part of life. We often ask ourselves questions like: Am I doing a job that matters to me? Am I living somewhere that makes me happy? And one of the biggest questions that I receive in therapy: How do I know if I’m with the right partner?
People come to me for help when they’re unsure about their relationships. Sometimes there are red flags: maybe the person is abusive or you just don’t love them any more. Not every relationship should last. But what if the relationship looks good on paper and yet…
You’re. Just. Not. Sure?
Relationship OCD
Doubts, as we said, can be helpful. They allow us to check in with ourselves and make sure that we’re on the right path. Let’s imagine that we’re walking along this path and we come up to a can with the label ‘uncertainty.’ Our job, whenever we catch up to this can, is to see if we need to change course, and then kick the can far into the direction that we want to go and enjoy the walk until we meet up with it again later.
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is often better known as the problem that affects physical behaviours, such as checking doors are locked or obsessively cleaning. But it also keeps our thoughts racing. Those ruminating, intrusive questions that won’t let us go. For example: What if I don’t fancy this person the next time I see them? What if we don’t last? What if I’m not good enough for them? What if others don’t find this person attractive?
Relationship OCD (ROCD) is the can that we can’t kick down the road, the one that stops us from being with someone without constantly questioning whether we should. ROCD makes us seek reassurance that we’re on the right path, and it keeps us checking if we can come up with a conclusive answer.
ROCD can devastate. It can sap all the joy from the experience of dating someone. You stop being present, and you can’t enjoy intimacy without wondering if these moments are as good as they could be. You’re so busy dealing with the ‘can of uncertainty’ that you’ve stopped enjoying the view. (And let’s face it, when we’re with someone, part of the pleasure is in enjoying the view!)
Therapy
Together, in therapy, we can explore your earlier experiences and your current difficulties to help us understand why you’re struggling with ROCD. We will also introduce practical strategies to reduce your distress or resolve it entirely.
ERP – A Practical Strategy
One of the best techniques for ROCD is Exposure and Response Prevention. ERP asks you to bring to mind the anxious thought and then not fight it, the opposite of what anxiety wants you to do. For someone with germ phobia, that might mean exposing them to dirt and then remaining in that situation, even if they want to run away or wash their hands. ERP for ROCD is no different. If the brain tells us we don’t love our partner we can counter it by saying something like ‘OK, cool, maybe I don’t and I can even picture us breaking up. But today I don’t need to decide that.’
The goal of ROCD therapy isn’t necessarily to determine if we’re in the right relationship; instead it’s to train the brain to react differently in the face of anxiety. It sounds tough, and it can be, but managing ROCD is about teaching the brain that we don’t immediately ‘buy’ what it throws at us. That we’re happy to kick the can down the road for a while longer.
Next Steps
Anxiety disorders should always be treated by a qualified therapist.
I have worked with lots of people with ROCD, as well as other anxiety disorders, and have helped plenty of people to embrace committed and loving relationships, as well as to enjoy life to the full despite the creeping doubts that will, inevitably, come from time to time.
Contact Me
I offer online therapy and would love to support you too. Please contact me here for more information.
Phil
Dr Phil Lurie, Clinical Psychologist